#but also (B) there's *still* so much stigma around bpd

[lesboylycan]

"bpd is caused by experiencing narcissistic abuse in childhood" "pwBPD are always abused by narcissists" "npd and bpd is inherently unhealthy because the pwnpd will abuse the pwbpd" shut up shut up shut up shut the FUCK up

[aspd-culture]

Do you have books/movies recommendation that represents aspd well fiction or nonfiction?

Hhhhh I was waiting for this question to come one day. The answer is lowkey v v disappointing.

Because... no, not really. I've got like three, two of which do what I consider a fairly good job, and one that rides the fence of being a lil "oh great, the ASPD character likes blood and guts and death".

Sorry this is so long-winded tldr Ender's Game (book only), House, MD if you can handle some not ok 2000's comedy, and Wednesday if you never get into the fandom.

In order of, in my opinion, best to least best (they're all still p good):

I tried to make these spoiler free but it's hard while explaining good vs bad rep. I would recommend going into Ender's Game blind without reading what I wrote about it and coming back to this post after. I would read the warning attached to the other two.

Ender's Game by Orson Scott Card (The book not the movie, oh my gosh, not the movie) - Peak ASPD right here. When I was a kid with ASPD, this is the only book I ever related to and I randomly picked it bc it was the third name on the mandatory summer reading list and 3 is my OCD's favorite number. It rarely lets me down, and in this case, brought me a seriously well-done look at ASPD done, possibly entirely without meaning to. Orson Scott Card, as far as I'm aware, set out to write a book about trauma and the way that different types of trauma shapes the mind in early childhood, and preschool aged children engaging in active military training is... woof. It's a lot when something that you relate to so much is a depiction of a war-era dystopia. There are definitely parts that still push the stigma, and a lot of what makes Ender "good" is the sympathy and compassion and "purity" he shows, so be ready for that. That said, this also shows how a kid can still fit the definition of a loving, innocent child even while actively engaging in violence. It's a bit preachy with its message, but it is a damn good book. I will openly admit I have never gotten around to reading the sequels purely bc they were not in my school libraries. I wonder if Libby has them... *takes mental note*. There are also questions about if Ender's siblings possibly have cluster b disorders themselves. I have seen theories that both Peter and Valentine have NPD, and a more controversial theory that Valentine has NPD while Peter has BPD and the book just happens to focus on demonizing him (as a character to make a point about him and Valentine, not because of the disorder) so it doesn't emphasize the non-splitting behavior. Just, do yourself a favor and don't read into psych articles about Ender's Game. They make a big deal out of Ender being a good character because he is "saved" by his empathy and just... idk the book is written from his POV and I don't see much empathy there. I see compassion. I see cognitive empathy. I do not see affective empathy besides with a couple Exceptions.

House, MD - the profile pic is for a reason. More than House, MD is a show about doctors or medicine, it is a show about House's struggle with his mental health. We watch him slowly get through the process of recognizing, adapting to, and working on his symptoms throughout the show. It honestly helped me before I even realized I had ASPD to improve my relationships with people by learning from his mistakes.

House is (minor spoiler) canonically diagnosed with "Antisocial traits" around season 6 I believe, but he experiences them the entire time. He is written as a character who I believe was supposed to have ASPD. If not, he is one of the most accurate accidents turned canon I have ever seen. That said, this show does not shy away from the negative aspects of ASPD. Many people say horrible things about House throughout the series, many of them he does not bother to argue with or deny. It is... really emotional for me sometimes to see how they speak to and about him and how he handles that. It's really good, but does have one very triggering episode about a "true sociopath" and House's struggles with relating to her also around Season 5 or 6. It's one I wouldn't skip if you're watching this for ASPD reasons, but House *does* try and separate himself from a "true sociopath" so be ready for some stigma. Also please note that this show is from around 2004. Lots of flip phones, ha ha ha, but also lots of excess stigma on things, somewhat homophobic and transphobic jokes, etc. Although, it is worth noting that it is a symptom of House's ASPD to make these jokes - he expects that they know he is not serious because of his tone and doesn't, due to lack of empathy, understand that these jokes are hurtful even when people know you don't believe what you're joking about to be true. He builds his team around making sure they can handle that part of him, which is a pretty decent thing to do, in my opinion, even though the right thing to do would be to change the behavior. But yeah, shitty early 2000's humor incoming with this show. I still 100% feel it is worth the watch, but I am white and thus have the privilege of feeling comfortable while watching it. Black people especially may be really (understandably) unable to feel comfortable watching this because the person that House worries is most similar to him and thus most threatening to his position is Foreman, who is a Black man, and thus many of House's "it's ok because he knows I don't believe it" jokes are targetting Foreman and many times they are racist jokes. He in no way solely targets Foreman, but that is there and it is extremely frequent. When you meet people named Taub and Thirteen, Jewish and fellow LGBT people will join the club in being potentially seriously uncomfortable with these jokes. I could handle watching it, ymmv.

The third and somewhat problematic lil sister, Wednesday (2022) - Hear me out, it is so good, imo, but I cannot interact with the fandom on this one and it loses serious points because of that. The reason that I can't? The entire fandom has decided that Wednesday Addams, a long-time rare ASPD coded girl, is autistic and "through the lens of Tim Burton" vs acknowledging that she is ASPD coded. Everything that can be an autistic trait, many have cherry-picked as proof she is autistic, and they openly choose to ignore a major step in diagnosis, making sure that the symptoms are not better described elsewhere. I will concede she may be autistic (although tbh I don't think so bc of her serious lack of stimming, - and no the SINGLE DANCE SCENE AT A SCHOOL DANCE doesn't count - lack of meltdowns, and affinity for sitting perfectly still don't read autistic imo), but she has ASPD. A literal therapist talks to her about "the source of (her) antisocial traits" and because she is a child, that is the closest thing to a diagnosis of ASPD she can be given. The girl is loudly ASPD coded just like the character Wednesday Addams always has been.

Further, there is a point to be made about the ASPD coded character being given her own show for it to turn out to be a m*rder mystery as well as her obsession with everything dark, broody, bloody, and macabre. Admittedly, in The Addams Family, that's everyone in her family not just the ASPD coded one but in Wednesday, she is the only character who likes those things so it's a bit ick in that regard. Still, I relate a lot to her and always have and people used to try n bully me in school by calling me Wednesday but my mom showed me it and said I reminded her of Wednesday as a compliment when I was little and I always took it as one after that even when I knew they meant it in a mean way.

Unfortunately, ASPD, unlike many disorders, is not underrepresented in media. It is overrepresented in the worst ways possible. Every other book or movie I can find is full of stereotypes, mean-spirited commentary, and m*rder. There might be something to be said about a character from It's Always Sunny, but that show is a major trigger for me so I haven't been able to watch it to tell, and Lisa from Girl, Interrupted (book or movie) is just... painfully bad but well-loved rep. Like, I love her, but holy crap girlfriend, how did you manage to add stigma in a book and movie about destigmatizing mental health?

The fact that even counting bad but well-loved representation I can still count all of it on one hand sucks, and if anyone has more I am begging you to share in replies.

[healingwgabs]

"hot take": im a cluster b abolitionist, these are mainly the reasons why (a rant/vent)

Whatever elite niche group of doctors who grouped the most sensitive people on the planet (ppl w BPD) in creating the DSM 5 from the DSM 4 and placed them in the same community as those with anti-social personality disorder (psychopaths, sociopaths), narcissists, and histrionics (the creation of "cluster b")... ppl who, for the most part, are clinically incapable of genuinely caring if they live or die or protect them, exp consequences... This was not done with the safety and welfare of those with BPD in mind, who suffer more (as part of the nature of their etiology)

These are groups of ppl who are frequently trauma bonded and when paired, create some of the most toxic, dangerous, life-threatening and abusive rs dynamics (mainly for those w BPD and for children if they are involved). Seeking and wanting community is very much part of human nature and id argue a basic human need, the creation of "cluster b" is dangerous!!!!

Let alone BPD is the mental illness/personality disorder with the highest rate of trauma/abuse compared to any other mental disorder, most likely at the hands of the other disorders that they are placed in the SAME COMMUNITY AS! Trauma-induced BPD is the most common form of BPD, and many of those with BPD suffered parental (narcissistic, psychopathic abuse in their upbringing), which led to them having it in the first place. Also, many later end up in rs's with narcissists or with those with ASPD and suffer abuse in those rs's. ITS SO WRONG!!!!

As someone with empathy, I feel the level of subjective distress, impairment, dysfunction, and danger to self that BPD causes to those suffering from it (once activated). It is characterized as one of the most painful illnesses to have. NPD, ASPD, and HPD are not disorders that carry much subjective distress, impairment, or dysfunction (they thrive in our society!! and are likely responsible for destroying it and for the harm that occurs in it). These are the disorders that cause more distress to the ppl around them (macro: in gov, business, it will kill us, and in the interpersonal rs's).

I 100% feel for the trauma that led to the creation of NPD, ASPD, and HPD and I feel they deserve trauma-informed care/therapy for the things that led to the etiology. Still, I don't feel for the presentation of these disorders (not a lot of subjective distress, but mainly for those who interact with them). NPD and ASPD are not shown to have good treatment outcomes (Aspd being shown to be treatment resistant). Stigma is another reason. Those with ASPD and NPD SHOULD be approached with a level of caution.... placing those with BPD in the same category as those with NPD, ASPD is LITERALLY SO WRONG. One of the criteria for ASPD (part of the etiology) is (deceiving ppl) and part of the criteria for NPD (exploiting others for personal gain). These are symptom criteria that are, in their nature, harmful to others!!!! There are also no shared symptoms, this is wrong, and unjust imo and something I hope changes in the next version of the DSM, this would feel like justice for the BPD community. Love bombing differs from the "intense rs that alternate from idealization and devaluation" symptom found in BPD. One is grounded in manipulation and control, whereas the bpd symptom isn't. as someone who suffered from schizophrenic/psychotic traits and also bpd stress-related paranoia in the mix of it all, I could argue BPD is like schizophrenia or any other disorder that exp psychotic symptoms (from the stress-related paranoia symptom alone), it has a lot in common with mood disorders than other personality disorders ie. depression (chronic feelings of emptiness, suicidal ideation, threats, gestures, self-harm, anger, irritability-hate to talk about in this way), anxiety disorders (intense episodic dysphoria symptom, which includes anxiety), it does not make logical sense to me but it is also WRONG (UNETHICAL, HARMFUL, STIGMATIZING) UGHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OMG!!!!!!!!!!! 😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡

[snowglobe-system]

Oh man all of that is so very real. That whole model minority thing really hit me hard, I didn't even realize that was a part of my avoidant attachment issues until you said it!

And the mention of BPD communities... YEAH. I've been diagnosed with BPD and being an avoidant attached person with BPD is actually hell on earth. That fear of abandonment is still very much there but my coping method tends to be "well FUCK YOU I didn't need you or anyone ANYWAYS, no I'm not crying or upset, because all I need is me myself and I. Can't be abandoned if there's no one around to abandon me!"

This is... obviously a very self destructive mindset and I have ruined several friendships and relationships in my past by stonewalling when I feel threatened. That and while I can feel somewhat comfortable bringing up more emotional topics, I'm dissociated enough from them that it doesn't feel vulnerable and therefore I don't care. Actual vulnerability, though? It's very rare. The majority of people have never seen me cry; my partner who I've known for about 5 and a half years now could probably count the number of times she's seen me cry on one hand. Which may seem like a brag but it's really not. A lot of the time I'm alone in my head- or, I guess, alone with the other parts of me- with my worst spiralling thoughts and I would rather die than reach out.

All the while social stigma is telling me that I'm cold and mean and should stay away from others so that I don't do what avoidant attachments do and hurt them. And I'm almost happy to agree because, like you said, I'd rather be perceived as mean than as scared or vulnerable or in pain.

And honestly I'm gonna be totally fr for a second, it feels like I'm rewarded more for feeding the avoidant attachment than for trying to break it. If I self isolate and obsess over being useful to people, because everyone likes someone who's useful to them, it means I can be seen as compassionate and caring for a little while before inevitably people try to elicit emotional vulnerability and connection and I pull away. Because it's valued to be tough and stoic and unbreakable, and I can hold that facade up for long enough that the most common compliment I get from people is for being tough.

But if I genuinely try and let my walls down? Well, the combo of DID and BPD isn't exactly pretty. I'm made up of all jagged edges and broken glass and just like there's a stigma against avoidant attachments, there's also somewhat of a stigma against sharing serious mental health problems with your friends. Its all about not wanting to do emotional labour and pushing off any deep issues to a therapist. So when I share... I'm not rewarded for it. I'm received with horror. Sometimes pity, sometimes revulsion. None of those make me feel good. None of those make me want to try to be vulnerable again.

It's like being caught in a constant catch 22, where I'm an awful person for being avoidant attached but no one wants to deal with the reality of my vulnerability. So I just shut up, offer up the experiences that aren't too painful, try and help people where I can so they don't notice I'm struggling.

Like tbh, I understand that BPD is the least stigmatized cluster B, but people only really seem to have empathy for this one specific presentation of it as of right now. And honestly for those reasons I sympathize a lot with other cluster Bs; NPD, ASPD and HPD aren't all that different from BPD in the end. There is no "bad person disorder" nor is there a bad person attachment style. I think we could all do with a little sympathy and recognition for our efforts, even when they're small and not super noticeable.

(I gotta be so fr, involving myself in the DID community on tumblr as I have as of recently was a super huge step for me, I've historically held my communities at a bit of a distance and only interacted by watching from afar).

You know, I understand it is largely part of the nature of it, but I feel mental health communities and people in general don't really talk about the struggles of people with heavy avoidant attachment. Cause honestly, yes by nature of C-PTSD and DID, yes we technically have disorganized attachment and yes, it does fit us, but we identify as a very very VERY heavy avoidant attachment individual an, while I'm not trying to compare cause its different and not a competition, but I do wish there was more of a general understanding for avoidant attachment, how it presents and how to help people with heavy avoidant attachment tendencies feel safe and heal like I see for those with heavy anxious / ambivalent attachment folks.

Like I really wish we had more people talking about it, but like, as someone who theoretically could, I don't even know what Id say and if I did, I don't know if I would say it because #AvoidantAttachment

It's frustrating and if anyone has any input or even any topic points theyre welcome to share but man. All our trauma shit and roadblocks always circle back to this man

Why weren't my parents a little more inconsistently absent and abusive so I could at least be more balanced in my disorganized attachment and sometimes relate to people who have non-avoidant dominant attachment GOD woe is me (JOKING AND BEING MELODRAMATIC)

[antiresperidoneclub]

so, as a film nerd who is also psychotic ive been wanting to make this post for awhile now.

the use of psychotic people for the sake of plot in media

TW; self harm, abelism, potentially psychosis triggering topics, suicide

also 'the black telephone' and 'scream 5' spoilers ahead

last week me, my mom, little brother, and 3 cousins went to go see The Black Telephone. aside from the already hella triggering scenes of brutal fighting, kidnapping, and child abuse, one of the biggest insults i saw in the movie was with the charecter gwen. she is charecterized as having "prophetic/clairvoyant dreams" that show her instances of the storys villain kidnapping children. there is a scene where her and the main charecter finnys dad beats her over having them. its later revealed that her mother was 'mentally ill' and also had these dreams that lead to her taking her own life. personally, the topic of jesus giving her divinatory powers or having a gift from the heavens is a massivly known delusion that some schizo and psychotic people have. not only that but the trope of "this charecter isnt actually psychotic, they have a special power!1!!1" is abelist as fuck.

for decades now psychotic people were protrayed as villains, serial killers, and all-around horrible people barely seen as human. in recent years the only time psychotic people are framed in a good light is when their delusions are useful, helpfull, or further the plot. neurotypical/non-psychotics may see this as positive representation simply because were not charecterized as monsters. the truth is its still harmful and akin to casting autistic people as hyper-intelligent savants who are childlike and callous. while the representation isnt explicitly malicious, it still makes us out to be "special" and "other" which drives the theyre not like us mentality that abelist stigma festers.

the biggest offender ive seen do this in the past 2 years had been Scream 5. scream 5s main charecter, sam carpenter, has hallucinations of her serial killer dad who was one of the people responsible for the murders in the first movie. her hallucinations are violent, with her dad telling her to give in to her "murderous tendencies" across the movie. she is also seen taking antipsychotics and eventually stops taking them to be able to talk to the hallucinations of her dad. at the end of the movie she brutally murders the two villains while the ghost? of her dad watches on proudly.

so, what is the issue you may be thinking? the portrayel and stigma of psychotic people is so deeply entrenched in the "violent monster" steryotype and these past 2 examples tie into the hysterical powered woman trope that hugely stigmatizes bipolar, schizospec/psychotic, BPD, OCD, NPD and other nuerodivergent/mentally ill women and girls. it frames us as broken flowers who require saving unlike the vile ideas thrust unto cluster B and psychotic/schizospec men. also, the idea of psychotic peoples delusions and/or hallucinations are actually "real" is extremely dangerous and can push people much much farther into psychosis, especially when were obviously distressed or incapable of functioning bcuz were having an episode.

sidenote; reality checking is just as harmful and dangerous, theyre both bad

anyways, stop making schizospec and psychotic charecters without only having them exist for the sake of plot or to use us for cheap entertainment, we are not circus animals<3

[bpdeadd]

w the whole pro dx vs self dx thing - n u can unfollow me if u want I don’t rly give a shit - I'm am lit pro - self dx, I self diagnosed myself w bpd before I got a diagnosis from an actual professional - not that I got any proper help for it tho anyways after, but it took so damn long to get a diagnosis n even longer for me to be referred in the first place - I had to fucking beg my gp 5 or 6 times, n even tried fucking crying to make her ‘pity’ me n to refer me to a psychiatrist/professional anyways bc she was just fucking smiling like a twat n telling me to ‘exercise’ n do ‘yoga’ n not taking me fucking seriously at all, getting a professional diagnosis for a disorder is a difficult fucking thing, and unless u have the resources, access and money and time it can be rly difficult to even get a diagnosis in the first damn place, plus what? just bc u haven’t been diagnosed professionally u don’t have a specific disorder? like there are actually ppl who fucking spend time researching into it - as much as they can, like ffs I've self diagnosed myself w adhd - after researching about it, reading articles, watching many videos about it - and listening/reading experiences from ppl w actual adhd, and reading through my old school reports, n the fucking therapist I'm seeing atm asked me if I wanted a diagnosis but the waiting list for it is like 2 years long or some shit so yh, idk if I even want to wait 2 years to just be told I may not have it bc of my bpd diagnosis n then just saying its that, ppl don’t fucking make it easy to get a diagnosis in the first damn place anyways, n even those who may think they have stigmatised disorders (such as cluster b pds) the professional may not even want to diagnose them in the first place? plus there's barely much help for us anyway?? like I've spent about 5 years since my bpd diagnosis trying to find some fucking support/help/therapy, I am lit getting nowhere n am always just fucking left on my own to just ‘deal’ with it, n like I've signed up for possibly schema therapy which I'll get put on the waiting list for after my sessions w this person ends, n even then idk how long that’ll be? bc the guy said it could be 18 months, like I ain’t got fucking time to wait around anymore for some damn help, which I may not even fucking get anyway, like nothing may work, so self diagnosis atm can atleast help u recognise yr symptoms n try to find the best way to help yourself w/o trying to jump from therapist to therapist who may or may not help u - like I've done my own research n have helped myself more over the last 6 months then any therapist has done for me over the last 5 years, obv I still have a lot of shit to work on n nw hav fucking c-ptsd from some recent fucking trauma (which also I'm not getting help for lol) 

like I think as long as u spend time researching n maybe listening to other peoples experiences with a certain disorder/s u feel u may have, self dx can be a rly useful tool for anyone who may be concerned about certain stigma about certain disorders they feel they may have, or who may not be able to have access to therapy/getting a diagnosis, may not have the money, nor the time, or even be in a situation where diagnosis is not a possibility atm, n also to those under the age of 18 who may think they may hav a pd, def look into it but mostly focus on the symptoms u experience rather then the actual disorder itself n try various ways on how to help yourself w that n managing those symptoms, plus also read about other disorders that have similar symptoms bc a lot of disorders share a ton of symptoms. 🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️

[mollydollyjournals]

Monday 25th January; 156lbs

I didn't check my body composition today. I just stepped on the scales and left my phone in my bedroom, which means it doesn't send info to the app. So I know that I weigh a little less than the other day, but still way too much.

Toilet tmi again. Im still really constipated and it's actually just fucking painful. The biggest issue is it's not that I haven't been eating. I always try to eat reasonably high fiber (compared to my caloric intake anyway - 8-9g fiber a day isn't much for a normal 2000kcal diet, but it is for 800kcal) and if I need more then I have some particularly high fiber stuff like pulses. Fruit and veg is a good way to go. It's been 3-4 days now so I actually have been eating a bit more to try to make it happen, including higher fiber, but still nothing. I took some stimulant lax last night and still nothing. Had yogurt and coffee and still nothing.

I have this pain in my abdomen too. I suspected some internal bleeding last week or the week before so I'm sure something is up. Just I don't know what I should do about it. I don't want to go back to the doctor and ask them to investigate something else again. I think after my liver scan and blood tests came up fine they'll think I'm lying or exaggerating. I just don't know what's wrong with me. Is it an impaction? Do I have something constructing my intestines? An ulcer? I have really bad acid reflux too. It's like my digestive system is too full and it's just not emptying. My waist feels huge. It makes me actually scared to eat for physical reasons, because if it's not stimulating my gut to move like it should be, then all I'm doing is putting more pressure on my insides.

I'm currently drinking some osmotic lax, which is all I can do. It's what you're supposed to do for impaction. I bought it specifically because I've had these problems before and you're not meant to take stimulant lax, and sometimes it'll resolve itself but it can still be painful and also it'll take longer. Osmotic lax doesn't work fast though - you have to give it a few days. During those few days I'm just reabsorbing waste matter from my intestines. Its disgusting and unhealthy. And when it finally does work, I might have the opposite problem. In the past I've been reluctant to take lax for this because I've had instances where it acted kind of like...a plug. That once it's passed, everything else goes way too fast after it. Sorry that's gross. I guess if anyone wanted more motivation to eat properly it's so your digestive system doesn't get fucked up like this. I noticed a lot of mucus not long ago so maybe the regular mucus layer got stripped and hasn't replenished. Idk.

Other than that there is family drama happening with my brother who is currently in a psych ward and my stupid mother who thinks the sun shines directly out of his anus. My entire life she's treated him like her precious baby and I've just been secondary. Maybe because she associated him with my older brother who died. Who fucking knows. But they're stressing me the fuck out and pissing me off. I keep telling her what to do and what not to do, which I get from trying to properly research his conditions and others similar and from having dealt with her when she was in a psychotic episode, and she just doesn't. She thinks if she just talks nice and loves him enough he'll get better. As if that isn't the whole reason he's a spoiled piece of shit who thought he could take all the drugs with no consequences. This probably sounds very hypocritical from an alcoholic who has trouble not drinking even after physical health problems, but there's much more to it in my brother's case that I cba to go into.

The worst part is she gives him all the attention and understanding that I want and haven't had. I've spent the last few days feeling especially lonely and invisible. I've been talking about it a bit on social media and only a couple of friends responded. Hb came up to my room and saw me crying and basically acted like an awkward dad. Bf hasn't acknowledged much of what I've posted and we still haven't spoken directly. If not for those few friends I might have done something drastic. I don't know. I need to know if I'm actually liked loved and cared for. Missed at all. Lockdown has fucked with it so much and I already had trouble with it. I feel like I need to do something big to get attention. I could just be honest about my feeling like I want to kill myself and see who responds. But I've spoken about it before and people just kind of 'haha same' if that. I don't know if they realise that I'm genuinely close to doing something, or just don't care.

I do have borderline personality disorder and I'm so aware of the stigma. I don't want to be manipulative or abusive. I want people to want to be around me, not because I forced them. I'm so scared of being needy or annoying or overbearing or anything like that. And then if I do say something, I'm already feeling really bad and struggling a lot, so for it to be ignored hurts so much. That's why I end up drinking. I already have trouble seeing my friends post about their struggles and get so much support and love offered, when I get barely any. One of my best friends also has BPD but also everyone loves her. She has a successful small business doing what she loves, if I go anywhere with her strangers stop her and compliment her or ask to take her photo but pretend I don't exist or give me a passing smile. It's not that I don't think she deserves those things or love and support. It's just that I want it too. She's one of the few people who's reached out to me recently and I really appreciate it. I guess she knows how it feels. I just wish I wasn't so jealous.

So for my brother to start saying stuff in the family group chat and my mum to just start fawning over him and all that? Just the extra salt I really didn't need in my wounds. For one thing, I told her not to play into how he is because he'll feed off the drama. I know this because of who he is, that he really is an attention seeker, and that all 3 of us have a tendency to get caught up in things. My brother and I inherit our cluster B personality traits from her. I told her not to get into it and remain impartial. She didn't. I even messaged her and my dad separately and told them that I called the hospital and asked them to check on my brother, but she hasn't given me so much as a thank you.

She's up early for work and I sleep on Mars time, so my dad is still asleep. He'll probably say something when he gets up in a few hours. It all feels backwards. He was so abusive to me growing up. He was unnecessarily strict and horrible to me all the time and kicked me out and disowned me regularly. He tore down my entire sense of self and called me stupid and made sure I realised that if I wasn't doing well it was my own fault and I wasn't trying hard enough. But now he keeps a level head and we reconnected after years of not talking because my brother and mum both had a psychotic episode at the same time a few years ago. I hated him so much but now his approval and support is worth the most. But it's the same problem again - he seems to genuinely realise now that his overly authoritarian parenting was wrong. It's just how it is in a lot of African cultures, and his father was especially abusive, so he wasn't well equipped. He's doing things differently with my younger half brother. But why couldn't it have been me? Why didn't I get to have a nice dad who acknowledges his humanity? My half brother deserves it, but why couldn't I have that while I was growing up too?

It just makes me feel really abandoned. In every situation, there's always someone else who gets what I want, and I don't. I hate my brother so much. I feel like it'd be better if he was dead. But then my mum would spiral, and I'm not really that cold, so I phoned the hospital to talk to them and get them to check on him. Phone calls make me so nervous. I was shaking. Before the call, while I made the call, and for a long time afterwards. I didn't even get acknowledged.

I want a drink.

[sexycontainmentprocedures]

Does anyone else with a Cluster B/personality disorder feel like you have a can of water (coping skills, DBT skills, forceful self-reminders that you have to act 'normal' despite your overwhelming feelings, etc.) that you use to put out multiple fires in your head (being triggered by something, internal symptom flareups/spiraling thought processes, reactions to something someone else did) and it takes a long time to refill the can of water once it's empty, but your peers don't understand how much water you've had to use already when you run out of that water and fail to contain your symptoms?

For example: I'll successfully extinguish my BPD symptoms and behaviors one after the other, several times, weeks on end with the same person, each instance a fight against myself that literally causes mental and physical exhaustion because of how much conscious effort it takes. Then something will happen when I'm out of emotional energy ('water') and I'll fail again and show a symptom.

Now, for most illnesses -- even mental -- a 99% success rate of containing symptoms is great! People think you're healthy, doing well, doing the best you can. But for behavioral illnesses, our symptoms impact others; when others are hurt, most do not blame the illness, they blame the person who failed to contain their symptoms: "It's no excuse. You can have BPD and still be a bad person. You're not even trying, because you just hurt someone again." We with behavioral disabilities are expected to never, ever, ever show our symptoms. Is this expected of any other sicknesses? For us, the 99% success versus 1% flareup becomes, in many people's eyes, 99% manipulation and 1% "showing true colors"/abuse. Because we ran out of water to put out our fires and then from there it's oh my God, I've done it again, the spiraling begins: "I failed again, I'm never going to be healthy, I'm always going to be seen as an abuser so I should just give up."

I feel that this is why it's dangerous for our peers to go "see, this person is still an abuser/manipulator/whatever other accusation, they're not even trying to heal, they just did the same shit again!" when a flareup occurs or we show behavioral symptoms. It seems like it's not morally 'good enough' in so many others' eyes to improve over time from a lower percentage to a higher percentage of successfully containing symptoms; only 100% is Good Enough for behavioral disabilities or else It's Intentional Abuse.

These are illnesses. Our social issues are consistently documented and confirmed by medical professionals. We don't want to hurt anyone. At the same time, it's also medically confirmed that isolation from others hurts us in different, equal ways. So of course we can say "I ran out of water, I have to get away from people right now or my fires might burn them." You might feel the need to say "hey, I know you can't help it but your fire is burning me right now and I need some space" and that is completely okay. I cannot stress it enough: we DO NOT WANT TO HURT PEOPLE! But just remember that the fire is still burning us in private when we isolate for others' sake. Our symptoms constantly fight to overtake us. It is a constant battle and we try so hard. We do not want to flare up at others.

Please know that showing understanding and compassion and fighting stigma -- even if through societal and political understanding of the unique ableism we face rather than through direct interaction with us, as we know we can be hard to be around -- is giving us water for our cans; conversely, telling us or our peers that we're actually evil manipulators and abusers is starting a new fire for us to put out.

[catboyfeli]

the anti self-dx culture is honestly so... bad? i used to be anti self-dx a few years ago before realizing that no, self-dx isn't inherently harmful. there's a huge difference in someone going "i researched this disorder and it fits my symptoms, and i think i have it and hope to speak to a psychiatrist in the future" and "hm i have a few symptoms of this disorder, so i will now say i have it and use it to excuse my bad behavior, and will also ignore the possibility of this being a completely different disorder!" people don't seem to realize how fucking expensive, difficult, and time-consuming it is to get a psychiatrist or therapist, much less a regular one. and from my experience, so many proud anti self-dxers will say to me in a condescending tone, "do you even have a diagnosis?" when i talk abt a disorder of mine when it's literally None Of Their Damn Business. this kind of culture also lead to my mom, after i excitedly told her i think i have bpd, snapping at me saying i don't have ""multiple personality disorder"" and that stuff like that requires ""severe childhood trauma"" and my brother told me to ""stop trying to be special like those kids on tumblr"" imagine finally finding a disorder that fits your experiences after recently destroying your own life because of symptoms of said disorder, and immediately being invalidated and brushed off by your family because of the anti self-dx culture :) yeah, sometimes people DO self-dx as a way to excuse their shitty behavior or to feel special, but honestly? i think most of this culture stems from internalized ableism, and that's just an excuse to feel like the culture is justified. it's also very easy for people with adhd, autism, and similar disorders to find a disorder that fits them and begin to obsess over it because finallY! something that fits me!! and thus refuse to consider other possibilities. that is one of the times self-dx can ACTUALLY be harmful. but overall? self-dx as a whole isn't harmful, esp considering how fucked the health and mental health system is in the us. anti self-dx culture just seems like another way to bully and gatekeep mentally ill people you deem as "invalid," just in a way that's more socially acceptable. whatever disorders i self-dx myself with are a) ones i've done research on that i have most symptoms of or enough symptoms that prominently decrease my quality of life and b) i plan on seeing a psychiatrist about whenever i FINALLY can. like, i have schizoaffective symptoms, but i don't go around saying i have that, as i think my delusions and paranoia are more likely a different disorder or combination of disorders, possibly bipolar combined with adhd. i say i have bpd--despite not having a prof. diagnosis--because it's easier and quicker than saying "i have bpd symptoms/traits" and gets the point across. in the end, it's literally nobody's business whether i have a prof. diagnosis or not, and what matters most is how i'm affecting my own community. a toxic person with a prof. diagnosis isn't any better than a toxic person with a self-dx, and that's that. they're still both spreading harm and helping enforce stigma, and the person with the prof. diagnosis could, get this, be misdiagnosed in the end! i got diagnosed with depression, anxiety, and ocd when i was 10. it's been years since then, and i could end up having been misdiagnosed and have something completely different! since diagnosing literal children who don't even understand what's going on themselves is not easy! also, when i was 10, my doctor considered testing me for autism, and my mom declined because i'm "too normal" to be autistic. now we've realized i very well could be autistic and that her declining that test could've made life more difficult for me in the end, because imagine how much easier things might have been if i had that diagnosis as a child? people responsibily self-dxing themselves after researching a disorder is always going to be different than a person self-dxing themselves to feel special, and as long as someone keeps an open mind towards other possibiltiies and doesn't intend to use this disorder as an excuse for their behavior, there's honestly nothing wrong with it. also, when people DO self-dx for attention, it's almost always because they already HAVE some kind of disorder, likely some type of personality disorder, and that's valid. is it okay? no, but the culture of people acting like attention seeking is inherently bad is also pretty shitty, since needing attention is a) a normal human desire as we're socialable creatures, and b) a symptom of childhood trauma and various mental disorders!! sometimes people seek attention when they're too afraid to ask for it on their own! and maybe people wouldn't be afraid to ASK for attention if the culture surrounding them wasn't so hateful about it! due to my bpd symptoms, i used to do this all the time without even realizing!! partially bc of the culture demonizing anyone who wants attention!!  anyway rant over i talk too much i'm just very passionate about things that don't really matter in the end adhdjfhf

[vulva-o-queef]

@hestiaq​ (making a new post because I don’t want to keep reblogging a long threat)

I’m really sorry for what you were put through. I sincerely hope you’re in a better situation now and doing okay. That’s horrific.

I remember the Ted Bundy bit you’re talking about- and she’s…. honestly quite right? If enough men have NPD/ASPD a few of them are going to seem intelligible, I think. I don’t really understand what you’re saying about Ted Bundy- if it’s tongue in cheek or not.

Okay, like I said, I haven’t seen this post she made. necromancerdoll just said that larps said sociopaths/psychopaths “can’t perform well in society/function with others.” I know aspd and being a sociopath are often considered the same thing, and I know a lot of them are pretty transparent assholes. Psychopathy isn’t a formal diagnosis at all, but criminal psychologists do use the term, and there’s a pretty solid consensus on what it means. Some people say psychopaths are a subset of sociopaths, and other people say it’s a similar but distinct thing, but in either case, one of the main characteristics of a psychopath (which a sociopath doesn’t, or doesn’t always have) is that they’re smooth and charming, and they use those traits to manipulate others.

My comment about Ted Bundy was sarcastic (and probably not in very good faith, but also wasn’t really related to the main point of all this), because saying psychopaths “can’t perform well in society/function with others” is the opposite of the truth. Ted Bundy was charming, socially adept, approachable, and likable, which was exactly how he managed to lure in many of his victims. He would put on a fake cast and ask women to help him get things into his car, which is what that scene from silence of the lambs is based on. Larps might be totally aware of all that and just phrased something too broadly. The only way it would be relevant to the rest of what I’m saying is, if she really meant to say that psychopaths are socially inept, it would be another example of how she tries to speak as an authority on mental disorders she doesn’t understand. Mostly I was just poking fun.

Women are over-diagnosed. But I don’t understand how Larps pointing out shitty behavior is the same as “diagnosing everyone”. Also, she’s talked about how borderline personality is over-diagnosed and often ascribed to women who are dealing with trauma. She’s also not talking about it from a “I don’t personally like them” only- “these people” are people who are cruel and vicious and play victim when called out on their cruel vicious behavior.

Clearly, you and I interpret the things she says about bpd and ‘cluster b’ in general very differently. For one, diagnosing anyone over the internet is absurd. In my first response to her, I did agree that she has made some good points, mostly about the link between autogynephilia and narcissism. But that’s about noticing an overarching theme within a specific population, and there’s already a decent amount of academic writing about that link. Case studies done by real psychologists. Actual studies done with controls and statistics and so on. And even with stuff like fucking “trans lesbian” dating profiles that larps points out herself, there is some solid evidence there due to the sheer repetition of entitled attitudes, fetishism, etc, the list goes on. My issue is with the way she thinks she understands BPD when she clearly doesn’t, how she applies “cluster b” or bpd to an awful lot of people, largely young ‘transmen’ or radfems she doesn’t like, and how whenever anyone she’s put down for having BPD tells her to cut it out, or tells her that she’s wrong about them, she dismisses anything they have to say by citing “people with bpd are insane,” or telling them they’re being irrational due to their disorder. Basically she’s using it as a shield to avoid being held accountable for the things she says. “Anyone who’s telling me borderline people aren’t irrational is only saying that because they’re borderline, and therefore they’re irrational!” I’m not saying she’s diagnosing “everyone.” And regarding transmen specifically, there are a lot of psychological factors involved in that situation, and for someone who’s so vocal about the cultlike, exploitative, backwards nature of the trans movement, you’d think she would understand how absurd and frankly just plain egotistical it is to think she can simplify all of those psychological factors and dynamics down to “cluster b.” Again - remember that she’s talking about people she’s never met in her life, usually judging from one blog description, a handful of posts, or sometimes nothing more than a fucking selfie.

Even as a younger girl with supposed “BPD” (who even identified with the label)- I wouldn’t have found this stuff offensive, and if it did (which I might have, and sometimes still do)- it’s really that easy to log off or go outside.

That’s good for you, and I respect your perspective. And you’re right, I could just log off and ignore what larps is saying. You can say that about anything anyone says on the internet, and technically it’s true. But I didn’t. The things she’s saying are ignorant, I find them personally hurtful, and I think she’s spreading misinformation, harmful stereotypes, and regressive thinking. I see that she’s saying dehumanizing and belittling things to women on this site who deserve respect, and probably worst of all, I see that there are a lot of people who look up to her, ask her for advice, sometimes idolize her a bit, and many of them will believe pretty much anything she says. She’s feeding them bullshit and some really vile ideas about mental health stigma, and how people with certain disorders (mainly BPD) deserve to be treated. I don’t think she’s the devil incarnate, and I don’t think she’s out here ruining lives and destroying families. I think she’s an asshole with an inflated sense of her own insight and knowledge, and I decided to say something. I could have logged off, but in this case, I didn’t. That’s all.

...I don’t understand how Larps memeing on a Tumblr blog and often posting insightful ideas about personality disorders is “insulting, ignorant, and dehumanizing”.

Yeah I don’t know what you consider “insightful,” but posting the definition of “insane” and copy-pasting a list of bpd symptoms and saying “see? these people are insane,” and tagging her response to my post with #have u ever noticed how all of these people have personality disorders (callback to “anyone who’s telling me borderline people aren’t irrational is only saying that because they’re borderline, and therefore they’re irrational!”) ...doesn’t quite cut it in my book.

She doesn’t bring up cluster b whenever she “feels” someone is acting unreasonable and dramatic- they… are unreasonable and dramatic- at least in whatever context, and people don’t have to dig deep to see who someone really is to be able to just say “no that’s insane, bye”.

Mmmm... I realize you see the situation differently from me, but am I acting insane? I mean, at worst, I’m making the undeniably blunt way she talks to people into something bigger than it needs to be. And yeah, I know... classic cluster b, amiright? But even if that’s the case, even if I’m misinterpreting her views, surely you can see where I’m coming from. And there are quite a few people who have the same objections that I do (mostly radfems, radfem adjacent women, terves, etc.). When she wrote that tag #have u ever noticed how all of these people have personality disorders, isn’t it clear that she was referring to me, as well as the rest of the radfemmish women who have been speaking against this behavior from her lately? Isn’t she making an assumption that I have a personality disorder (which I do not)? 

Do you really think my objection to the way larps talks about bpd is an indication that I have a personality disorder, and that I’m insane? Unreasonable at worst. But yes, she is absolutely using the excuse that those who object to her saying borderline people are irrational are saying so because they’re borderline/irrational. And like I said, I’m hardly the only example of her saying things like this. Someone just reblogged the original post of all of this and said #I just blocked larps bcuz shes been reblogging random old posts from me calling me a cluster b as bait #as far as I know I’m the only quote on quote crazy bihet that doesn’t have a pd? Someone else wrote #I really looked up to larps hence I’m so torn about this #if I didn’t believe she was a smart and decent well meaning person I wouldn’t care. That’s just on that particular post, within the last few hours.

People with personality disorders are diagnosed because they’re anti social and cause harm to those they “love”/interact with and the cluster b community (that I hung around) spend most of their time groveling in misery- despite often constructing their own fantastical narrative of people horrifically abusing them and demanding to be coddled for every emotion.

Some of them, yeah. Not all of them, and not enough to justify making assumptions about people you’ve never met.

What I mean is- the pain that they’re feeling is an offense to ego a LOT of the time. And other’s shouldn’t have to walk around eggshells to make sure that they don’t injure others egos.

Agreed.

Like it’s not real, rudfems don’t enable or contribute to violence against women. None of these women, no matter how mean they are, contributed to the pain I experienced in childhood for being called BPD- actually it was always men and handmaidens.

I didn’t accuse larps, or any other ‘rudefem’ of contributing to violence against women. I know that men were the reason ‘hysteria’ could be diagnosed in the past, and I know that men are the reason bpd is being overdiagnosed in women today. And I’m honestly not even trying to say larps is being misogynistic to the women she says this stuff to (though re-reading, I realize it could easily sound that way). Misogyny or not, dismissing someone’s perfectly measured, reasonable objection as irrational just because they have a bpd diagnosis - which in several cases, dr. larps diagnosed all by herself - is unacceptable, is the same pattern and circular justification used on ‘hysterical’ women in the past, and is particularly bad because, as we agree, bpd is too often being diagnosed as the new version of hysteria. She’s re-enforcing age-old stereotypes about mental illness, and she’s buying into it so completely that she really believes that borderline people are so unreliable that she knows what’s going on in their heads better than they do. Hence saying that borderline people objecting to her backwards stereotyping are doing so out of a kneejerk reaction to a damaged ego, rather than because they know what she’s saying is false.

Also - she isn’t talking about everyone with “diagnosed” BPD.

If that’s what she means, then she’s the one who needs to say it, not you. Again, I respect that you have a different view of this, and I understand your perspective, I can’t believe what others say about her intentions and supposed read-between-the-lines distinctions, when she doesn’t say it herself, and the things she says and the way she acts do not communicate what you’re saying about her.

Meaning, there’s a distinction between people who have been diagnosed and are suffering, and people who have been diagnosed (or not) and are cruel and have a total lack of insight and disregard for other people.

Mental health is complicated. You can’t divide people with bpd into two clean categories like that. That’s not how it works. And you CERTAINLY can’t lump people into the “bad” category simply because they don’t like how you talk about their disorder. You can’t see someone objecting to what you’re saying and assume that YOU know that they’re coming from a “total lack of insight.” People are not psychic. Larps is using the fact that some people with pds have a lack of self-awareness to dodge accountability when it’s convenient for her. It’s complete circular logic - something you would think she would be above, no? “they’re irrational, and when they complain about me calling them irrational, I can shut them down by saying that any complaint they make is irrational.” I know I keep saying this, but it’s true. In my first comment, I pointed out that this is her pattern, and what was her response? hashtag have u ever noticed how all these people have personality disorders. fucking exactly what I said her response would be, because that’s the only excuse she has. 

And yes, insight is a qualifying factor that “””exonerates”””” (quite a loaded word in this context????) someone from being “really” BPD. The thing about BPD is that they will not (or cannot) change- like it’s not a fixed part of your personality, and if it is- you deserve to be called out, and if it isn’t and you still behave like that… you deserve to be called out, still.

Again, no. If this is the case, then we need to make a second definition to separate “REALLY bpd” from “sorta bpd,” since currently they both meet the same diagnostic criteria. It’s not up to you, or larps, to create definitive new categories of mental illness.

I went from being told I had “borderline tendencies” to being diagnosed with full BPD, to basically nothing at all, because I became aware of those patterns, learned how to be objective about my thoughts and emotions, and practiced resisting them to the point where they only show up if I’m already in a really bad state. I don’t consider myself to have - or to have had - a personality disorder, because I’ve almost completely gotten rid of those mental reactions. But I know people who do have BPD, who are self aware, who are trying the same things I did, but the difference is that even though they now have the tools to keep them in check, those mental and emotional reactions are still present for them, and likely always will be. To say they don’t REALLY have bpd because they’re able to control it is frankly insulting. “If you’ve been able to improve it through treatment, you never really had it in the first place.” I know that’s not how you meant it, but that’s what it boils down to.

BPD is not defined by a lack of self-awareness. It’s a pattern of ingrained emotional and mental reactions (and, subsequently, behaviors). These often develop as a method of self defense against external abuse. Or sometimes there’s no abuse and it’s there anyways. The cause isn’t always clear. But the criteria calling these symptoms “pervasive” doesn’t mean the individual is unaware of them. People who know they have bpd, and who are working on treating their bpd still have bpd.

“...deserve to be called out”... it’s not larps’ business to “call someone out” for having bpd. She can call someone out for acting like a shithead, but simply having bpd is not a flaw that needs to be criticized. Your phrasing makes it seem like that’s what you’re saying, and although I’m pretty sure that’s not what you meant, that’s what larps seems to think.

Not only are neither you nor larps qualified to determine the “category” of bpd that people on the internet who you’ve never met fall into, but even IF that’s how she sees it, then, again, she needs to say that herself, and she needs to reflect that view in the way she treats people.

But to conclude, she really does make that explicitly clear that she doesn’t think everyone with BPD is a “screeching, manipulative, hysteric”.

Where

You made a bunch of excuses for her and I still have no reason to believe any of it is true

However, I’m mostly speaking for myself here because I’ve been hanging around tungle for too long and I mostly want to say that this all doesn’t really matter. Like, so many feminists on here ramble on about “but what about bpd women who get misdiagnosed?” yeah I didn’t face brutality at the hands of snarky women on the internet. These are not the people that even enabled the violence that me or many other women with trauma face.

Again, I didn’t say that. I don’t think she’s destroying lives either, I was just frustrated, saw that many other women are frustrated about her too, and I felt like saying something, so I did. That is the extent of my motivations here. I do think that she is spreading harmful stereotypes and misinformation, but I’m under no delusion that she is causing damage on a massive scale. She is, however, just one more raindrop in the proverbial ocean of mental health stigma. Insignificant as a single drop may be, surely it’s no less significant than any of those people with bpd whose bad behavior you say should be called out. If it’s larps’ business to call them out, then it’s just as much my business to call her out.

It’s not up to her and other women like her to clarify every single thing they say- people DO generalize and we should be able to communicate without having to specify for everyone.

I’m not asking her to clarify “every single thing” she says, I’m asking her to stop acting like a shithead, labeling people she’s never met, acting like she’s an authority on personality disorders, and using her actually wildly skewed perception of these disorders which is steeped in regressive, harmful, and demeaning stigma and stereotypes about mental illness in order to manipulate her way out of being held accountable for any of it. I’m not telling her to stop generalizing for the purpose of communication, I’m asking her to stop making inaccurate generalizations based on stereotypes, and to stop using “cluster b” as a catch-all for bad behavior. Just because someone is a shithead, or unreasonable, or overdramatic, doesn’t make them borderline, and it’s insulting to the people with bpd who are truly good people, who also have to deal with their disorder being an internet trend for self-dx’ers to milk sympathy and excuse their abusive behavior (sounds just like what larps would diagnose as cluster b, I know, but it turns out that many people who don’t have bpd exhibit these traits as well), deal with shitty treatment from healthcare providers who read the diagnosis and think they know everything about you before you even walk in the door (back when I had the ‘full bpd’ diagnosis, a therapist said to my face that people with bpd were considered ‘used goods,’ and my current psychiatrist treats me with an absurd and totally unjustified level of suspicion), deal with the massively pervasive stereotypes everyone else holds about bpd (ranging from ‘serial killer’ to ‘used goods’ to ‘fake trend on the internet to get attention’), as well as dealing with - oh yeah - the actual fucking disorder, as well as often comorbid cases of PTSD, depression, anxiety, bipolar, etc.

I’m just saying, it would be a lot more effective and hurt a lot less people you supposedly didn’t mean to target if you just called out the actual behavior instead of “calling out” a disorder. Additionally, I’m pretty sure that people with bpd who do lack self awareness are far more likely to respond to direct criticisms of their behavioral patterns than they are to respond to the label of bpd being “called out.” They’d just see the latter as more fuel for self-pity. It’s a little harder to justify being the victim of someone saying “hey stop being abusive.”

And if that’s not enough reasons for you, consider: people who have shitty behaviors who don’t have a cluster b disorder (yes, larps, they exist) are just gonna hear criticisms of a disorder they don’t have and brush it right off. Call out the actual behavior, and there’s a chance they might recognize it in themselves. It’s like a quadruple win.

A hallmark of bpd/npd/aspd/hpd is having no insight into that, that people say shit, and you take what you can and leave it-her, or me, or anyone else mincing that up….. doesn’t help bpd women live in a world where nobody is going to mince anything up ever. It did not help me when people coddled me, and I intuitively knew that and was deeply frustrated with it.

You’re right that it doesn’t help to have people make excuses for you or ‘coddle’ you. But not being unfair and pushing harmful stigma is not the same thing as “coddling.” Nor is “not mincing” words the same thing as saying things that are untrue, unfair, dismissive, and insulting. Much like Trump saying blatantly racist things is NOT “just telling it like it is.” (and no I’m not comparing you or larps to trump or calling anyone racist. except trump)

Many of the women who have ‘spoken up’ about larps on tungle, I’ve seen on other mediums (fb, wordpress) and they’re often just blatantly manipulative

Really? Am I being blatantly manipulative? Or insane? And, to reiterate, is what I’ve said on her post enough for her to assume that I - and anyone else raising these issues with her - ALL have personality disorders? Is it justification for her to say that I’m “glorifying” ASPD/BPD?

and will never have any insight to the fact that all of this is really a non-issue

I gave you several examples above, and here's your treasure trove:

https://larpsandtherealgirl.tumblr.com/search/cluster%20b

Notice how she loves agreeing with everyone saying they’ve been abused by someone with a cluster b disorder, or otherwise says something negative about a person/people with a cluster b disorder, makes sweeping generalizations and basically uses “cluster b” with the same tone that you would call someone an asshole - that is to say, using the same logical standards of “you said some shit I thought was rude, so I think you’re an asshole & I’m going to call you one” when talking about psychological medical diagnoses?

Yeah, occasionally she claims she’s only talking about The Bad Ones, but that’s a pretty thin excuse when 99% of the time you make no attempt to differentiate, and post things like screenshotted symptoms (which - if the “good ones” with that disorder actually have that disorder - would apply to the “good ones” too) with captions like “these people are insane.”

Again, I realize you see the things she says very differently from me, but surely you can see where I’m coming from. And I would hope that you can see that my having this perspective does not justify saying I have a personality disorder, that I am insane, or that I am “glorifying” ASPD and NPD. I would hope that the similar shit she’s said about several other women who said things similar to what I said would also strike you as unjustified. You can make excuses that she wasn’t literally diagnosing me with a personality disorder, but you can’t make that excuse every single time she says something like this.

but instead “leave radical feminism because it’s so full of mean lesbian separatists” and make huge texts about it everywhere else and how rfeminism is a cult.

Okay... this is an entirely separate and irrelevant subject and I’m not sure why you’re bringing it up. I mean it sounds like you’re saying “people who don’t like being told they’re insane are just butthurt kek” which I really hope is not what you’re saying. I’m pretty sure there are plenty of radical women who would object to being called insane and having their opinions dismissed because of a mental health diagnosis, who would raise their objections and still believe in their politics, probably due to the fact that - in this context - those things have virtually nothing to do with one another.

My point is- she’s not just saying ppl who criticize her have bpd- they often do because people with personality disorders come out of the woodwork to be hideously angry at anyone who calls them abusive or “wrong” and “bad” (whatever that means at any given moment).

In summary: I appreciate and respect that you interpret the things larps says in a very different way, and I’m not trying to tell you that you should be hurt or anything like that. But I can’t accept what I see as excuses that you’re making for her, since she doesn’t offer any of those explanations herself, and I don’t see any evidence of the intentions you’re attributing to her, in her own words or behavior.

At the end of the day, larps is the only person who can speak for larps’ intentions (much like the people whose criticisms larps deflects by claiming they’re motivated by irrational emotion and a threatened victim complex SHOULD be the only ones who can speak for their intentions).

And at the end of the day, larps didn’t show anything but disrespect and a total unwillingness to even consider that the way she speaks to, and treats, people with bpd and people who criticize her portrayal and internet-diagnosing of bpd, might not be 100% faultless.

At the end of the day, larps read what I had to say about her dismissive attitude and manipulative, circular justification for avoiding accountability. Her response was to double down on calling people with borderline “insane,” and double down on her own belief that googling a list of symptoms makes her an expert on psychology, as well as an expert on the thoughts in other peoples’ heads. She used the exact circular, dismissive excuse I was calling out, yet again said that the people criticizing her were all doing so because of their - well “our,” I should say, since she diagnosed me - personality disorders, rather than their actual thoughts, opinions, and perfectly reasonable objections. And then she answered a bunch of messages laughing about how crazy and terrible “cluster b”s are. No, she didn’t literally say “EVERY SINGLE PERSON with bpd is like this,” but come on. She’s not the only person who can recognize patterns of behavior.

[rjdrawsstuff]

Excuse me I am confused what is a cluster b?

Sorry it’s from the Diagnostics and Statistics Manual of Mental Disorders. I think the current revision now is the DSM 5. I haven’t been updated yet. I don’t study general or abnormal psychology, but I’ve been trying to educate myself on it since perhaps early October of 2016. I focus mainly on cluster b as a whole because of my life experiences, to help my mother with her predicament and especially my last relationship. Cluster b personality disorders: histrionic personality disorder(hpd, very somatic, meaning driven by their own body, looks, sex, etc), narcissistic personality disorder(npd, control oriented, superiority complex whether blatant or subtle among other things. This is the one that’s tied in closer with sociopathy), antisocial personality disorder(apd or aspd, more commonly known as a psychopath, no emotions whatsoever, they treat everything as ‘if i want something, it’s good, and anything in the way of it is bad’) borderline personality disorder(bpd, highly emotionally strung and interpersonally destructive, although they DO have some kind of remorse). Look, man, these are all just within an umbrella and can overlap, that’s why there’s a term called comorbidity, you can have one personality disorder with the other within the same umbrella, but it’s very difficult to tell. Even licensed doctors don’t have a clear window looking in cluster b disorders because people who have these AND are abusive tend to be duplicitous and turn things around. That’s why you have victims who have symptoms of PTSD and CPTSD(complex post traumatic stress disorder) get diagnosed with bpd, and their partner who has, let’s say, malignant narcissism monopolize the treatment and fool the therapist into thinking maybe they just have anxiety or some attention deficit or ocd or whatever other very much less harmful disorders while the real victim who has actually seen the abuser behind closed doors doesn’t get a say and gets retraumatized because they have no license in psychology and who the hell are they anyway to provide input, they’re just crazy, right? And I know the stigma of people who have cluster b personality disorders, that’s why the last anon expressed their discomfort. Many of them abuse, that’s already a fact, cluster b disorders are like an automatic pivot point for abusive actions and are heavily based on poor impulse control, it’s really hard to ground these disorders without a major intervention. Sometimes a major intervention doesn’t even work, it just makes the person with the disorder more disordered, as another staple of cluster b disorders is attention. Though there are also plenty of people with cluster b disorders who don’t abuse, though they still have poor impulse control and cognitive functioning. They can at least have workable relationships, although the work is still difficult. The stigma is present because the disorder basically sets up situations of abuse and immense misunderstandings and frustrations and since the poor impulse control and the need for attention and ego stroking have to be sated, what do you expect is going to happen? But personality disorders don’t abuse people. People abuse people. I don’t know, anon. The only real legitimate data I’ve gathered from this human phenomenon is from victims themselves. Sometimes the DSM is just as good as a textbook with base descriptions and that only goes so far with differing personal situations.

[113-things-to-see]

2019

... aka the one where my blog is still broken. Don’t fret, not all is lost, but due to technical difficulties I had to re-import my blog content and 70 posts just fail to show any photos. I will eventually fix all of them but have decided to completely revamp my blog at another point, especially since I will be busy writing my Master’s thesis during the coming semester. So until then, we still have Tumblr. Anyway, I decided to continue the yearly tradition of reflecting on the past 12 months and setting new resolutions (how original!).

In my New Year’s post of 2018 I described a challenging year and was firmly set on improving my self-care in 2019, fully committing to mental health recovery. 2019 was the year where I would start DBT, hopefully the turning point in my mental health journey after feeling stuck in a continuous downwards spiral. I went into 2019 feeling hopeful and expecting change. Spoiler alert: I am in a much better place now. However, getting there has been the most difficult challenge I have ever encountered.

When I set off into the New Year feeling positive and hopeful, I did not foresee that a) this would last for about a week and b) that the turning point I needed lay elsewhere. The packed days leading up to Christmas behind me, the events from the last year started to catch up with me. Re-traumatised by experiences in the mental health system I felt more misunderstood and lonely than I had in a long time and it felt like like the carefully assembled house of cards was finally collapsing, destroying whatever it could in its wake. Although DBT was giving me skills I desperately needed, I found myself at a point where I was unable to listen, so caught up in the over-powering emotional intensity that comes with BPD, so caught up in the downward spiral, so caught up in feeling undeserving of help. The nexts months were chaos. Somewhere amidst the storm, I managed to celebrate my friend’s birthday and then my own 23rd, which was the biggest emotional roller-coaster of all. My mum and me went to Sketch and saw Les Mis, the latter meaning a dream coming true. But blowing out my candles at midnight, all I could think of was how on earth I would make it to 24.

It wasn’t DBT that presented the turning point in my life. Neither was reaching rock bottom or my turbulent birthday or seeing crisis services. No, the turning point happened only when I decided on it. The truth is that BPD (and probably most mental illnesses) will always convince you that you aren’t sick enough. That others have it worse. That xy needs to happen before things change. That you haven’t quite reached rock bottom yet. All in all, I was waiting for a turning point that would never come. That could only created by myself, by deciding that enough was enough. By deciding that I deserved better. By committing to recovery despite my emotional/impulsive side definitely not wanting recovery but quite the opposite. And this was when things finally started to shift. No, it hasn’t been easy and I can’t say that there haven’t been any setbacks. But that’s okay because recovery is 5 steps forwards and 3 steps back. I have now been doing DBT for almost a year and the sessions and skills I have learned have been life-changing (along with medication). Although BPD is still my daily companion, we can co-exist now. I am no longer thrown around between my emotions, no longer in so much distress that pain is the only way I know to cope, no longer feeling unworthy in a group of people. BPD is not me, I am so much more. To spread awareness, I continued to be vocal about my struggles on social media and shared my experiences in blog posts that many others related to. And it was the realisation how commonly people with BPD suffered in the MH system, ranging from re-traumatisation to being left acutely unwell with no support, that made me start my own petition - Lives on the (Border)line. (Eternally grateful if you signed it!).

In non-mental health related news, 2019 was the year I graduated with a Bachelor’s degree in Psychology. Although my graduation day was one of the hottest of the year, I got to celebrate if with my family and best friend, drinking cocktails above the roofs of London - it was wonderful and almost let me forget the stressful months of revision leading up to this moment. But despite the stress, studying Psychology has been of the best decisions of my life, allowing me to grow so much academically and personally. Plus I will miss my class a lot, they taught me what kindness and looking out for each other mean. I have now started my Master’s in Clinical Forensic Psychology which includes a placement in a medium secure unit and so far, I have been enjoying it and can see myself working in that field – or another field of clinical psychology – in the future. I can’t believe that I am about to begin my last semester and that by the end of 2020, I will be looking for my first graduate job. I am proud of myself for coming this far and I am so grateful for the opportunity to help others recover.

2019 came with so much more than mental health recovery and a degree. As so often, it is the small things that made the biggest difference. Study sessions that ended in Thai food and wine on the balcony, picnics in Hyde Park, movies, musicals, birthday celebrations, Christmas carols at the Royal Albert Hall, falafel wraps (if you know you know), amazing books and adopting new plants (that are still somewhat alive). I read more classics than ever, partly due to the fact that I struggled with physical illness this year. Following sinus surgery a couple of weeks ago (this one had been coming for years really), I am no longer feeling ill every day and I am excited to be able to well, breathe. Despite illness, I had an incredible summer during which some of my closest friends and my sister came to stay – think mostly really good vegan food with the occasional play at the Globe Theatre (that makes me sound a lot more fancy than I am) and walks along the river. Last but definitely not least, my brother and me spent a week in Crete – think more excellent vegan food, paired with blue lagoons, beaches and cats. Generally, 2019 was a year of friendship for me, both online and offline and then there are those friendships that start online but turn out to be one of the best offline as well and feel like you have known each other for 8 years rather than 8 months. The kind of friendships that become your rock during difficult times (and make you get doughnut deliveries).

Again, I didn’t do too badly on my new year’s resolutions from 2018. I have said that 2019 would be the year of healing and talking openly about mental health and it has been, although I still have a long way to go. My second resolution last year had been to take care of my body and I have, even though being ill forced me to go at a different pace than thought. Lastly, I have managed to meditate more and at least I got further than ‘Necessito un sombrero’ on Duolingo this year. So far so good. So what about 2020? The new decade? (sorry I had to). This year, I not only want to focus on recovery but also on self-acceptance and improving potentially the most important relationship in my life, the one with myself. I want to slow down, take things ad they come and practice gratitude. At the same time, I will continue to raise awareness for mental illness – and mostly BPD – online and share my petition to hopefully get our voices heard. I do believe that together we can make a difference – even if the process is slow, each step will get us there and break the stigma. As said last year, I want to nourish my body and take care of it and I can’t wait to pick up swimming again (and please make me cook something different than pasta every single day, I need ideas (although pasta is pretty darn amazing)). I am also planning to continue my zero-waste journey and start buying my clothes second-hand, something I have wanted to do for a very long time. Last but not least,I want to improve my Spanish, especially since I am planning to visit one of my closest friends in South America this year and talking about hats won’t really sustain a conversation with her family. But until then: hasta la vista.

[coolbaby92]

I don’t write anymore...I think I should start doing it more, get thoughts out of my head and into my fingers so I have a fighting chance at peace and productivity

part of the reason is that so much of what I think in a day has become mostly positive - loneliness and longing to have someone, anyone, see me has been replaced with just, raw fondness of that person who does. I’m infatuated in a way I haven’t been in a long time, and what’s different this time around is that I have the coping skills and the maturity to properly manage it (usually...sometimes I get a little TOO into him, but at least a) I recognize when I do and b) I don’t get him involved with my crazy)...plus, while I’m still pretty much a constant state of being just a little bit jealous of everyone and everything, this relationship-with-a-married-man thing has eased this impulse in me...could partially be because there’s no mystery about possible duplicitous feelings happening, but also he’s just been magnificently transparent about it...he rarely leaves me wondering where he is or what he’s doing, and always has an honest explanation. plus, when he is MIA, he’s always doing something amazing, and it’s usually for someone else, it’s never like “sorry babe I slept until 2 and then I started watching Friends and realized it’s now 6, what’s up?”

hmmhmhm what else is going on...well, I’m always bashful about mental illness, because there is such a...weird delicate stigma around it...but then again, even if I were adding to a list of physical illnesses that have less stigma attached, I would probably still feel silly for having so many of them. but anyway, I’ve been diagnosed with ADD and prescribed Adderall. I’ve taken 3 doses so far, spread out in a week. the first 2 days felt great, so much euphoria and just, slowing things down to one thought to address at a time and able to actually identify the important thoughts and discard unimportant ones. Monday’s dose was far less productive, and it scared me a bit, as if it’s already stopped working! but then I realized that I still spent the day in that lifted spirit, and still was able to access that clerical space in my mind where things could become orderly. I think I will be okay...

I’ve suspected for a very long time that I had ADD. I haven’t been able to do homework before the night it was due (if I do it) since 5th grade, all the way until basically now. I’m smart and I’m good at taking tests and I can produce A’s on papers if they’re written in one sitting, but when it comes to any extended work ethic, I have no idea how to WORK on school, projects, life, anything. I get small spurts of productivity, and that’s it. as a kid, my mom says I was very functional and bright and had excellent memory and never zoned out, but as school got harder and things became more demanding and I started to drop off a lot, I think my parents kept seeing that happy bright little kid rather than the disorganized, stressed out, unfocused preteen/teen/young adult/actual adult I was. I would tell them I think I had a problem, but they dismissed me, even to this day as I’m about to earn a degree in Psychology, they think ADHD is something that is just overdiagnosed as an excuse to give kids drugs. Overdiagnosed or not, if the kid needs the drugs, and is telling you they need help, then I think they should get it

having ADD since puberty, I think, has been the root of my depression. my depression has been the root of my anxiety. my anxiety (and some trauma, sure) has been the root of my BPD. I’m treating my BPD, and being in a supportive relationship where I’ve been able to practice what I’ve been learning has helped immensely, and now I’m treating ADD. it’s like I’m working on myself from both ends. cool.